a WHAT storm?

On Thursday, an ice storm knocked out power to almost 400,000 residents of New Hampshire. Now, I'd never heard of an ice storm until this weekend. The first image that comes to mind is huge chuncks of solid ice falling from the sky and tundra-esque winds sweeping across the state. Turns out it's not like that.

An ice storm is when freezing rain coats all stationary surfaces (including trees and power lines) with an ice casing that makes the trees sag and the power lines snap.

My house never lost power (luckily!), but we did have a sleep over with some friends who had to leave their dark, cold apartment. Over half of the power has been restored, but there is still a long way to go to get back to normal here.

Oh, and did I mention school was canceled on Friday and again today!

Tuesday night joke for y'all

Q: Why was Tigger looking inside the toilet?

(for the answer, click on 'Comments' below)

I don't understand why...

...regular eggs (presumably non-organic eggs that come from far away by chickens who spend their entire lives living in a 2x2 ft cage) come in recyclable cardboard cartons while organic and cage-free eggs come in I-hate-the-environment, plastic containers. Thoughts?

I am thankful for...

~Hugs
~Soft pillows ~Writers ~Books
~Peanut butter (on french toast, pancakes, and waffles!)
~People who overcome ~Difficult jobs ~Teachers
~Questions that I don't know the answer to ~Family
~Time by myself ~Time with friends
~Sarcasm ~Bad puns
~Good food

...at least that's what comes to mind at the moment

18 rules for living

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
   1. Respect for self
   2. Respect for others
   3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Credited to the Dalai Lama here...

Hope!

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep...I will ask you to join me in the work of remaking this nation, the only way it's been done in America for 221 years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand...It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice. So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other."
-President-Elect Barack Obama 11.4.09

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,"

said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"

"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"

"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.

Pooh nodded thoughtfully.

"It's the same thing," he said.

-From The Tao According to Pooh

Just in case you're interested, today for breakfast I had an egg and cheese english muffin sandwich (sam-itch) and pumpkin spice flavored coffee. It was a good day :)

I kinda dig New England...

I spent today living in Star's Hollow from Gilmore Girls. Seriously.

I got breakfast and coffee with some friends at a little bakery/coffee shop, walked around downtown during their fall festival.

I also bought a hat and a book...both very exciting. Pictures to come. Of the hat, probably not the book.

The leaves are about done changing color, but there is still a tree here or there that takes your breath away. And I have a pretty much continuous urge to jump in a pile of leaves.

Outside of my little TV dream land, I saw one of the kids I worked with last year today at a service project. He moved a couple towns over to live with his dad, so I hadn't seen him since I've been back. He's shot up several inches and his voice has lowered a pitch, but he's still acts in the same lovable but always-getting-in-trouble way. I'm so glad he is doing well!

That's all I got. I hope all your Saturdays may be as wonderful. :)

Where I'm at...

This song's been stuck in my head all week:



Music snobs, suspend your judgment :) The songs about two people meeting in a bar, but I like the chorus:

If she wants to rock she rocks
If she wants to roll she rolls
She can roll with the punches
Long as she feels like she’s in control
If she wants to stay she stays
If she wants to go she goes
She doesn’t care how she gets there
Long as she gets somewhere she knows.

I'm a big fan of rolling with the punches at the moment. Things are going well...I'm learning a lot about leadership and planning and how much easier some things are the second time around (school isn't nearly as intimidating as last year and we have some amazing kids in our after school program!). Some things still make me mad, some people are still frustrating. But if I want to rock I rock...

Physic major's in an art show!

It was too weird...

A couple weeks ago I entered a drawing to an art contest sponsored by Blue Moon Brewing Company. The only guideline was that it had to have the Blue Moon logo in it somewhere. Anyway, I got chosen as a finalist for the Boston regional show. On Thursday, we went down there to a swanky show and got free beer...

This kind of stuff doesn't happen to physics majors!

pictures...

This is my team!!!Yesterday I volunteered at Farm Aid...the longest running benefit concert in the states. It supports local and family farms, started by Neil Young, Willie Nelson, and John Mellencamp. Pretty amazing.
This is my teammate at Farm Aid making bio-diversity projectiles (balls of seeds and clay that we can plant in the spring).
And this is my volunteer station...sorting through the trash, compost, and recycling to make sure people got it right! Cool for the first hour, then it got a bit smelly...

This was another volunteer event we did this week. We staffed transition areas on a 200 mile relay race. And we got to wear funny hats.

And did I mention that I made it on the cover of Rolling Stone?

The Rabbi's Gift

Here's a story:

The story concerns a monastery that had fallen upon hard times. Once a great order, as a result of waves of anti-monastic persecution in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries and the rise of secularism in the nineteenth, all its branch houses were lost and it had become decimated to the extent that there were only five monks left in the decaying mother house: the abbot and four others, all over seventy in age. Clearly it was a dying order.

In the deep woods surrounding the monastery there was a little hut that a rabbi from a nearby town occasionally used for a hermitage. Through their many years of prayer and contemplation the old monks had become a bit psychic, so they could always sense when the rabbi is in his hermitage. "The rabbi is in the woods, the rabbi is in the woods again," they would whisper to each other. As he agonized over the imminent death of his order, it occurred to the abbot at one such time to visit the hermitage and ask the rabbi if by some possible chance he could offer any advice that might save the monastery.

The rabbi welcomed the abbot at his hut. But when the abbot explained the purpose of his visit, the rabbi could only commiserate with him. "I know how it is," he exclaimed. "The spirit has gone out of the people. It is the same in my town. Almost no one comes to the synagogue anymore." So the old abbot and the old rabbi wept together. Then they read parts of the Torah and quietly spoke of deep things. The time came when the abbot had to leave. They embraced each other. "It has been a wonderful thing that we should meet after all these years," the abbot said, "but I have still failed in my purpose for coming here. Is there nothing you can tell me, no piece of advice you can give me that would help me save my dying order?"

"No, I am sorry," the rabbi responded. "I have no advice to give. The only thing I can tell you is that the Messiah is one of you."

When the abbot returned to the monastery his fellow monks gathered around him to ask, "Well, what did the rabbi say?"

"He couldn't help," the abbot answered. "We just wept and read the Torah together. The only thing he did say, just as I was leaving--it was something cryptic--was that the Messiah is one of us. I don't know what he meant."

In the days and weeks and months that followed, the old monks pondered this and wondered whether there was any possible significance to the rabbi's words. The Messiah is one of us? Could he possibly have meant one of us monks here at the monastery? If that's the case, which one? Do you suppose he meant the abbot? Yes, if he meant anyone, he probably meant Father Abbot. He has been our leader for more than a generation. On the other hand, he might have meant Brother Thomas. Certainly Brother Thomas is a holy man. Everyone knows that Thomas is a man of light. Certainly he could not have meant Brother Elred! Elred gets crotchety at times. But come to think of it, even though he is a thorn in people's sides, when you look back on it, Elred is virtually always right. Often very right. Maybe the rabbi did mean Brother Elred. But surely not Brother Phillip. Phillip is so passive, a real nobody. But then, almost mysteriously, he has a gift for somehow always being there when you need him. He just magically appears by your side. Maybe Phillip is the Messiah. Of course the rabbi didn't mean me. He couldn't possibly have meant me. I'm just an ordinary person. Yet supposing he did? Suppose I am the Messiah? O God, not me. I couldn't be that much for You, could I?
As they contemplated in this manner, the old monks began to treat each other with extraordinary respect on the off chance that one among them might be the Messiah. And on the off chance that each monk himself might be the Messiah, they began to treat themselves with extraordinary respect.

Because the forest in which it was situated was beautiful, it so happened that people still occasionally came to visit the monastery to picnic on its tiny lawn, to wander along some of its paths, even now and then to go into the dilapidated chapel to meditate. As they did so, without even being conscious of it, they sensed this aura of extraordinary respect that now began to surround the five old monks and seemed to radiate out from them and permeate the atmosphere of the place. There was something stragely attractive, even compelling, about it. Hardly knowing why, they began to come back to the monastery more frequently to picnic, to play, to pray. They began to bring their friends to show them this special place. And their friends brought their friends.

Then it happened that some of the younger men who came to visit the monastery started to talk more and more with the old monks. After a while one asked if he could join them. Then another. And another. So within a few years the monastery had once again become a thriving order and, thanks to the rabbi's gift, a vibrant center of light and spirituality in the realm.

--Origin unknown, from M. Scott Peck The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace

The red coats are coming...

Well, they don't have red coats yet. And no, I'm not talking about the British. Tomorrow is the day the corps arrives! These will be the people I am leading for the next year. I am very excited to meet them.

The whole leadership team has spent the last several months preparing for their arrival: making presentations, setting standards, planning events, yada yada yada. And now we get to use it.

Of course I am not prepared, I could use a couple more days to get all my ducks in a row and finish my to-do list (yea, I started making to-do lists...). But I am soooo excited to drop all that and meet the people I'll we working with. I wont know who is on my team for another few weeks, but this is the beginning of a whole new world!

I'll let you know how it goes...

Today was a beautiful day. It was a hopeful day where everything just came together. I spent the morning researching for an after-school program I will help led this year and things just kept coming together. To quote Paulo Cohelo, it was as if the universe was conspiring to arrange things in my favor.

I am truly hopeful tonight that things are good in the world. That there are enough people struggling toward wholeness, integration, and humanity that we wont be overcome. And that's a beautiful thing!

It begins...

My hamster, Ferdinand, died this weekend. I came back from a week in Boston to find him. I was very sad. I am tempted to reflect here about life and death, but I've got something else to talk about.

Today was a new beginning. We started back at our office located in Timberland's headquarters in Stratham, NH. It is good to be back. The office and the drive is all so familiar, but there is also a different air to this year. We are all back here to start fresh and we are all inspired (dare I say idealistic) enough to do it.

We talked a lot today about big picture stuff, which I like. We talked about our roles for this year and the sites general goals. We also each chose a practice to be in charge of this year. They ranged from very City Year phrases, like "It takes a village" which means we all have to take care of each other to simple things like "Encourage creativity". I chose one that states "Celebrate and share small successes" which basically just means that I want to make sure that everyone feels appreciated this year. It is hard when I am in the midst of something, like planning a service project, to stop and remember to celebrate but it is really the key to getting through.

I have also been thinking about some things I want to work on this year. I have never been the official leader of a group, so I am very excited to see what comes out leading a team a five corps members in my school. I feel like I have lots of good ideas but putting them into practice is going to be a challenge. Along with that, I want to work on my self confidence in large groups...including public speaking. I feel like I could be good at it, I just get really nervous even talking to a small group. Practice? So I want to challenge myself in this area.

There are other challenges, but those are the two that come to mind right now. I'll let you know how it goes.

Peace.

I love the IDEA of City Year

So, here is a long overdue post.

My summer break has come and gone. It was full of travel, the southwest, good friends, laughter, ocean, silence, neon lights, prayer, family, and a whole lotta love! What more could I ask for. It is not well documented like last summer's excursions, but I think I like it that way. I stayed very much in the moment.

And now I am back in the northeast with all its people and humidity. I am actually in Boston at the moment. I flew home to New Hampshire last Friday, spent Saturday moving into my new apartment in Manchester, then drove down here for a week long training with City Year people from all over the country. It's called Summer Academy.

So, three million years ago I promised you all more of a reason for why I decided to come back to City Year. The most honest reason is probably that committing to grad school scared me. But aside from deciding what I want to do with my life, at the end of last year I felt like I was not done with City Year. That I had a lot left to learn. That I had a lot left to give.

And that was confirmed these last two days. I love the values that City Year is founded on, the care and ideals that the leaders bring. I love feeling like I am part of something bigger than myself. This was a weird realization for me since I always considered myself a very independent person. But there you have it!

Yesterday during training we talked about our presence as leaders. The thing I enjoyed most is the emphasis they put on using silence. There is power in silence that many leaders don't know how to harness and tend to fill up with words. But even just a moment of silence centers a group and centers the leader. We practiced by writing a statement, "I serve because...", and then presenting that statement to a small group. We all practiced using silence and our presence with a group. As my new friend Lan would say, good stuff!

The evening session was based on the book, "The Anatomy of Peace". I have not read it, but I am very curious now I don't want to try to explain it because my tired brain will not do it justice but I'll let you know after I read it. In short it is the idea of interacting with people from a Heart at Peace not a Heart at War and seeing others and People not Objects. Also good stuff.

So that is why I came back to City Year. With all its flaws and the frustrating times I had last year, being around a group of people committed enough to teach and live these ideas is good for me. I am learning, I am putting into practice a lot of things I learned during college, and hopefully I am teaching what I can. I came back to City Year because there is no other place for me at this moment where I can practice and screw up and keep trying the ideals that I hold in my heart. I am glad that I am here.

Tonight the CEO of City Year talked to the group. It was inspirational on so many levels; I came out of it feeling like a sugar-hyped, sleep-deprived, twelve-year-old at a sleep over with her best friends, if you know what I mean :) But he left us with this. City Year has a motto, "Give a year. Change the world." Micheal Brown challenged us in the next twenty years to grow. "Give a year. Change the universe". Heck yea!

how time flies

I am writing to you from Ba' Haba' (or Bar Harbor, but I find it hard to say without the accent). I am also writing to you as a graduate of City Year New Hampshire. And in perhaps the most shocking news, even to myself, I am writing to you as a soon to be Service Leader at CYNH. Yep, I'm coming back for a second year! Who'd a thunk?

So my dad flew out to help me move to Ithaca for grad school, but since that plan got postponed we decided to just goof of on the east coast while he's out here instead.

Maine is beautiful. I thought New Hampshire was nice, but Maine has so many fewer people and so much more ocean. We watched the sun set from a sand bar in the bay and it was just beautiful. Tomorrow we are going to drive back along the coast to see lighthouses and antiques (hopefully with some ice cream thrown in).

I'll blog more about why I am coming back to City Year in the next couple days.

swimming in the lampery river

Yesterday my roommates and I got a call from our neighbors after work, "Put on your swim suit and come swimming now." After hemming and hawing we agreed. It turned out to be the most wonderful and most necessary experience for the moment.

We ended up a mile north of our apartment walking on a trail next to the railroad tracks ending in a calm river flowing slow toward the Great Bay. It has been in the 90s with 90% humidity and no air conditioning at school. It was pure pleasure to jump into the cool water.

I floated on my back watching a lone dragon fly buzz from shore to shore. I realized that thanks to Emily and her triathlons that I'm a pretty decent swimmer. I did some free style and splashed around with friends and even found a rope swing (it needs some work).

We got out with that I just did a lot of work kind of hunger and immediately went to get Chinese food. Food never tastes so good as after a long swim in a murky river. A perfect end to a not so perfect day.

update in pictures

We took my teammate, Blaze, to the aquarium in Boston for his birthday last week...




Here's my whole team showing off our handiwork on the blacktop.

Another shot of the team :)


I'm kinda proud of the above picture.

Even the solar system!

Hey! My school was on the front page of the local newspaper. It's about the Global Youth Service Day we put together on Friday. Check it out here!

Crash

I watched the movie Crash tonight with some friends. It's the second time I've seen it, the first time was I guess several years ago now. I remember having long discussions about it (if you haven't seen it, it's kind of intense). Here's my thought after the second viewing.

I think the main thing I'm taking away from it is that you should treat everybody with kindness. The movie is about people reacting in tense situations based on the race of the people they are interacting with. If you treat everyone with the same kindness, race doesn't matter. Simplistic, I know, but...

I'm sure I'm quoting someone when I say this, but we all have judgments build into our brains. They can be useful, making it so that we don't have to fully process every situation before reacting. It's a survival mechanism. But these judgments can obviously be harmful as this movie pointedly shows.

But perhaps that judgment could not be based on the race of a person, but just on the fact that whoever it is, is in fact a person. If one truly believes that there is good in all people, then that is what will be seen during a crisis. I don't think there is a character in the movie that demonstrates that ability. I don't know if there is a person in the world either. But I know a lot of people who are trying.

Global Youth Service Day

GYSD, as they say in the biz, is today/this weekend. It's a cool idea, empower youth to work and take pride in helping their communities. At Seabrook Middle School, the whole school skipped classes this morning to work on service projects with us City Year kids. The 7th grade picked 42 pounds of trash off the beach. The 5th grade cleaned up the trails behind their community center. The 8th grade planted flowers and spread mulch all around the school. And the 6th grade painted four-square, hopscotch, a multiplication chart, and the entire solar system on the blacktop where the younger kids have recess. It is beautiful.

I got to give a welcome speech to the school before we got started. Here's what I said:

Good morning. My name is Michelle McMillan, first year City Year corps member proudly serving here at Seabrook Middle School. Welcome to Global Youth Service Day!

Today you will be joining hundreds of youth across New Hampshire and millions of kids all over the world making a difference. In 120 countries, students like yourselves are coming together to impact their communities. In India, twelve-hundred trees will be planted this weekend to stop the destruction of their environment. In Zambia, youth will clean up the area surrounding a clinic and remove grass areas where mosquitoes live. In Manchester, middle schoolers are painting murals and picking up litter in local parks, and here we are cleaning the beach and beautifying our school. The projects you are working on today are part of a much, much larger impact young people are having on the world.

I’m sure you’ve heard, at least once in your life, “You can’t do that, wait till you grow up”. If you remember one thing from today, remember that you don’t have to wait till you are older to make a difference in the world!

To paraphrase Martin Luther King, Jr.: Everybody can be great because everybody can serve. You don’t have to get straight As to serve. You don’t have to hit home runs to serve. You don’t have to wear cool shoes to serve and you don’t have to be 18 years old to serve. All you need is a heart full of grace and a soul generated by love.

Thank you all for serving today and proving that young people can make a difference. And a special thanks to the student leadership team for all their ideas and hard work that made today possible (would the student leadership team stand up and be recognized). Have a wonderful day!

Here's Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech that I stole the quote from. I was thinking about the quote a lot today. Especially as I was asked to do silly things while I was exhausted and grumpy.

A heart full of grace and a soul generated by love.

Soul generated by love. Made by love, created by love, crafted by love. Who was my soul crafted by? By the love of all the people in my life. By Mom and Dad and Danny and Grandma. By Marieke and Mary and Callie. By Tamie and Jillian and Emily and Eleanor and Rachel and Rusty and Nick. By Amanda and Jodi and Blaze and Kevin and Tyler.

Heart full of grace. How does my heart get full of grace? It is running dry now. I kneel down and drink from a stream of grace thousands of times a day without realizing it. Watching each and every one of my students grow and explore and make it through one more day. Being with my team mates and room mates as we persevere through all manner of silliness. The fourth grader who thanked me after school today for painting a solar system for him, then disappeared into his classroom shouting "I got to thank them!"

It helps to stop to remember that I do have these things with me all the time. It didn't help a lot, I was still grumpy and exhausted after giving myself the above pep talk, but it helps.

Now my sore, sunburnt body and I are going to go to bed so I can wake up tomorrow and celebrate GYSD at another school tomorrow!

I'll post pictures as soon as I get the energy to download them. Goodnight!

it's sunny but i'm sick

Such a bummer. It is finally pleasant to be outside and I just want to curl up in bed. There is an upper respiratory thing-ie (that's the technical term) going around school. It's a bit like bird calls...one person coughs while walking down the hall, quickly followed by another with different tones and inflections, and pretty soon a whole chorus breaks out. I blame my sickness on my teammates who had it last week, but I think that only gives them pride. Not that they are malicious, they're just...malicious.

But back to it being spring time. According to Google, today's high was 63 and it's supposed to get into the 70s by Friday. Weird, wicked weird. I'm assured that it is not normally this warm in April and that I should not get use to it.

But I did plant some sunflowers, herbs, and a couple of bulbs. We'll see if the warm spell hold out!

apparently this blog is just about me sharing things i find on the internet. i promise to actually write soon.

from www.motherjones.com

From The Poisonwood Bible

"Be kind to yourself," he says softly in my ear, and I ask him, How is that possible? I rock back and forth on my chair like a baby, craving so many impossible things: justice, forgiveness, redemption. I crave to stop bearing all the wounds of this place on my own narrow body. But I also want to be a person who stays, who goes on feeling anguish where anguish is due. I want to belong somewhere, damn it. To scrub the hundred years' war off this white skin till there's nothing left and I can walk around among my neighbors wearing raw sinew and bone, like they do.


---Leah, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

Proverbs

A person's anger should be respected
even when it isn't shared

a person's happiness should be shared
even if it isn't understood

a person should be understood though
he has brought both his brows together
in anger and also suddenly begun to laugh

a person should be in love most of
the time this is the last proverb
and may be learned by all organs
capable of bodily response

by Grace Paley, Fidelity

Holy week

Let me tell you about this holy week. The weekend before, I took 10 of my students to the Destination Imagination tournament. It was a culmination of an after-school program I have been running since the beginning of the year; the culmination of tons of hard work the kids had done, mostly packed into the week before. It was fun and crazy and tiring. Coming off that high, exhausted, holy week started.

Monday, St. Patrick’s day, I didn’t go to work. I had a drink with some friends and recuperated.

Tuesday, I went to work, felt deserted by my teammates.

Wednesday, I snapped at one of my favorite teammates, and then stalked around school all day annoyed at my boss. After school we had a pointless meeting that I just wanted to throw up my hand and walk out of.

Thursday, one of my teachers, who I really respect, told me I didn’t look good and was anything wrong? Every night that week I went home exasperated, annoyed, and angry. I ate some cruddy food for dinner and feel asleep.

Friday, Good Friday, the day to contemplate Jesus’ death, we had a bunch of workshops about “Life after Americorp”. I sat through hours of people telling me things I already knew. On that note, I went home and feel asleep. I savored the thought of going to the Easter Vigil at 2:00 in the morning. It is a tradition my mom and I participated in at home every year. It always feels good to be awake when no one else is, praying like the hard-core person I think I am.

But it never works to plan to be holy for just one hour. My alarm didn’t go off. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, mad at myself, mad at the world for taking away my chance to feel holy.

I went for a walk to watch the sunrise. Standing by the river I tried to really feel all that I was feeling. I admitted that I was mad at myself. I admitted that I was frustrated with my job. But none of that gave me that holy feeling I was looking for. Then the sun came up. And the trees across the river completely blocked the view.

Holy Saturday (Dead Saturday) I worked on forgiving myself for everything that had gone wrong the previous week. I took a three hour nap in the comfy chair. I read a couple chapters in Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I was feeling a little better by the time I went to bed.

Easter Sunday dawned and I woke up with a smile on my face. I made coffee cake, went to church, then cooked and ate dinner with a bunch of friends…including the team mate I had snapped at this week. I’m not saying it was a total transformation, but somehow things look better this side of the resurrection.

Awesome!

Some days I wish I could grow facial hair...

http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/

Just for now.

Tamie had this one on her blog a while back and the song popped back into my head today. Dear friends, I think I have theme going. In conclusion, this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. But "for now" I am going to give it my all.




Quote of the Day:
And you, an ex-suicide, lying on the beach? In what way have you been freed by the serious entertainment of your hypothetical suicide? Are you not free for the first time to consider the folly of man, the most absurd of all the species, and to contemplate the cosmic mystery that is your own existence? --Walker Percy, Lost in the Cosmos

Here for now

I had this song stuck in my head all day, so I decided to share.





The part I'm feeling goes like this:

thinking maybe I'm just standing here
because I want to be liked
yes, I know I need my instrument
but does my instrument need to me mic'd
I keep imagining that pretty soon
I will just disappear
and thinking that one thing is what saves me from
my fear of being here
here for now, I'm here for now, I'm here for now
here for now, I'm here for now, I'm here for now

Update

There is only one word to describe this last week...but I'm so frazzled I can't even think of it right now. The kids all had the week off for winter break, so we at City Year ran day camps. The theme of the camp was "Let the games begin". So basically I spent the week playing all sorts of games with kids: dodge ball, soccer, ultimate frisbee, cards, mofia, and lots of other games that we made up on the spot. It was a blast, but my legs are sore and I've starting making this noise that makes me feel about 100 years old whenever I have to bend over to pick something up. But not a bad trade for a week of fun away from school.



In addition, on Thursday night I went to see Ani Difranco in concert. It was amazing! I don't even know how to begin to describe it. I sat in the second row, close enough to see Todd the bass player's fingers move across the strings. As you may know, a lot of Ani's music is not of the cheerful variety. But the concert was one of the most uplifting experiences of my life. I left so full of energy that even though I had spent the day running after children, I couldn't fall asleep till the wee hours of the morning. And if that wasn't awesome enough, Over the Rhine opened for Ani. The lead singer Karin has an amazing voice. When she sings acappella, it sounds like she is accompanied by a full band.


Then on Saturday I came to a full stop. Seriously, didn't even brush my teeth or change my underwear (that may be too much information. It has recently come to my attention that working with middle schoolers has negatively effected my self-editing instinct). Today things are mostly back to normal, so there is hope for the week.

I've caught the gardening bug.

In church today, we read Mark 4: 1-20. That's the one about the seeds getting sowed on different types of soil. Some on the road, some on rocky soil, some in the thorns, and finally some in good soil. The preacher pointed out that this is her favorite parable since it is the only one that Jesus explains point blank. Guess he just must have gotten tired of the confused stares from the crowd. A dude can only take so much.

The cool part was that she spent a good part of the sermon talking about what makes the good soil so good. It has to have the right pH level (between 6.5 and 6.9 apparently). It has to be loosely packed. It's got to have lots of organic material and nutrients.

Now, I know what she was going for. She eventually asked the metaphorical, "what kind of soil am I?", question. But the whole time all I could think about is my desire to grab a shovel and dig into some very non-metaphorical dirt of my own.

I know where this urge is coming from. I am reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver and it has quite taken over my thoughts. It is about the author and her family spending a year living off their garden and only products grown in their county. She recounts the joys of picking the first tomatoes, the day the cherries ripen, and eating the eggs carefully watched over by her youngest daughter. It makes me want to quit my job and go full time into food production.

I think I might have to settle for trying to run an after school garden with my kids. Challenge 1) finding a place to put said garden. The maintenance staff at school doesn't seem to thrilled with the idea, but I'll try batting my eyelashes a little more next week. If not a school, I have an idea of someone off campus who might let us dig in their dirt. Challenge 2) I have no idea how to start a garden in New England. There is still 2 feet of snow on the ground, so I'm assuming it's going to have to wait till mid-March at least. But that's why they invented libraries and master gardeners. I'll see if I can find a couple of each.

Anyway, I really hope this works out. I don't know what else to do with all this garden fever. I'll keep you updated as my veget-itis progresses.

Working on nature's time.

Tonight was a total lunar eclipse. If you are reading this, and it is still Wednesday night, look out the window! It is truly a sight to behold, one that I will never get sick of.

My roommate, Jodi, and I sat by the river to watch the first part of the show. It is amazing to me how slowly the world moves in those moments. I run around crazy all day, worrying and stressing, then come home and sit by the river in the cold. The ice on the river snaps and cracks in the background. I could have sat out there all night watching the sun, earth, and moon dance.

But tomorrow I need to be rested enough to run around, stress, and worry again. So, goodnight!

click here

Biofuels Deemed a Greenhouse Threat

An interesting article from the New York Times. Basically, two new studies have come out showing that, in total, biodiesel produces more greenhouse emissions that fossil fuels. That counts the energy used to convert the land, the fact that cropland absorbs far less carbon than the rain forests or scrubland that it replaces, and the energy used to process the corn into fuel. Very interesting...

Seems like the answer is to change our life style, not just change our fuel source.

Check the article out here.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't pick my nose...

While I'm in a sharing mood, I love this video by Ani Difranco...

Feast of Saint Brigid

Well, happy groundhog day. I guess I am reading enough blogs now that I picked up on this. In honor of the Feast of Saint Brigid, today is the third blogger's Silent Poetry Reading. I like the idea, so here is my poem(s).

What is this?

I walk out
and look up at the sky.
Billions of points light up the night.
Even though there is no moon
or sun in the sky,
I can see my shadow on the ground.
The points seem
like paint splattered on a wall,
but I can see patterns.
The patterns are my own:
a five pointed star among the stars,
a smiling face,
a glass of water,
a dog,
my mom,
my dad.
The patterns appear and are gone
as soon as I name them.
I couldn’t show you
even if you were here,
standing next to me.
Because they are mine.
And you have your own.
Just as secret,
just as private,
just as indescribable.
What is this?

I’m sitting on the grass
underneath a large tree.
I don’t know what kind of tree it is,
and in the large scheme of things,
it doesn’t really matter.
Would the sound of the wind
in the leaves
change
if I could call the tree in English or Latin?
I sit feeling the moisture from the ground
dampen the back of my pants.
But it is slow enough
that even if I sit here for an hour,
you wouldn’t be able to tell.
Unless you get close
enough
to smell.
Because the grass leaves its scent
on my whole body.
I feel the sun on my skin
as the wind stops.
I feel the joy
that its warmth brings.
My eyes are closed as I pretend to nap
so I don’t have to live in this world.
And it works,
I lay undisturbed.
Feeling the wind,
breathing the smell,
and listening to the leaves
dance in the sky.
What is this?

I walk
beside the road.
I’ve passed
two men standing outside,
a couple of bike riders going home
after a day at work or play...
however they spend their time.
My mind wanders as I walk;
she is not confined
to my steps
or my surroundings.
She jumps,
even sets the world record
for furthest distance imagined
in a one-block walk.
Clouds have collected in the sky
while I wasn’t watching
and the air tingles
with the anticipation of rain.
My whole body hopes
that the rain will begin
soon.
I yearn to be caught in the downpour
so that I can
dance
my way home.
What is this?

Man, am I tired...

I should post more when I am in a good mood, because I swear they do happen. But I think I only take the time to sit still when I am feeling tired or angry, so that is what comes out on my blog. My deepest regrets...

I just got back from our "Advanced Training Retreat" or ATR, as they say in the biz. It was three full days up in the north country with the corps. Lots of fun was had, but mostly I'm just drained. The lake was very pretty though.


At the retreat, we did an exercise called Cross the Line. Basically a facilitator says statements, and if these statement apply to you then you, well, cross the line. I hear the statements can get very intense, but I didn't think it got too bad. The thing I like about these exercises is that they create a space of honesty and vulnerability that we all enter together. I have a hard time being open, especially in this group, but when everybody is asked to be open together it works for me. I wish we could all be more naturally open; I realize how much I crave that kind of connection with other people. I think that is why this year has been hard. I don't have that...permission...to be open with anyone around here; I've only known them for a couple of months.

Anyway, next time I post, I'll try to do it in one of my good moods.

Wisdom from comedians...

A co-worker emailed this out and I thought I'd share it with you...


A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

George Carlin

Thank you blogosphere.

This is a short one because it is 9:15, thus, my bedtime. I just wanted to say thank you for the encouragement from all those who know and love me. It helps to be reminded that I am not alone and puts a smile on my face. You aren't alone either!

Also, today was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. City Year hosts a big celebration every year and I was part of the planning team. It was exhausting and I am glad that it is over. But it went really well. I'll post some pictures and more details later. In the meantime, Tamie has a great reflection on her blog. Peace out, blogosphere, sleep well. I sure will!

Settling

Over the past week I have found myself settling, resigning myself to attitudes and actions that I would not normally choose. When I get tired, it is so much easier to shop at the big box grocery store on my way home from work then to make the trip to the locally-owned, organic food store. I don't work as hard to find ways to carpool with people, because it is more convenient to have my car with me. Why not just make copies of the paper for everyone? It's easier than thinking of a different, more creative solution.

That's not how I want to live. I want to push myself to recycle, eat local, walk or bike, and generally live in an integrated fashion. But doing that and working 10-12 hour days is getting the better of me. I guess I just need some encouragement. I'm excited to live in a college town again next year. New Hampshire (and City Year) just weren't built with integration in mind...

The house my dad is building.

Happy eighth day of Christmas. I am almost done with my time in Las Cruces. The first week I was here I helped my Dad at the house he is flipping. Let me tell you, if you have never mudded a wall, you're missing out. Anyway, the house is beautiful with a custom built front door, courtyard, and sunny garage. It's the kind of house I want to live in some day. It's got character. So, here are some pictures so you can see for yourself...